.inscessant.expression.revolutionizes.

Everyone is granted their personal bubble, and I say everyone heavily.

Get your facts straight (I'm learning, I'm learning...)

Blood's thicker than oh so very much.

well, I wasn't there,  I really didn't want to do Compliment Day, haha :

But a girl I know gave me my compliment bag,
and apparently people had filled it, some probably because they felt that they were obligated to fill every bag, haha.

one of them had said:

"I love hearing you play guitar in cluster (your guys' homeroom, sort of)
and I miss hearing you sing in choir"

It kind of hit me, just knowing how much I don't enjoy things anymore. I play guitar more often, got more into it than singing, because no one can hurt you about your guitar playing, you can get better, and it's a very good sense of ventilation; singing, I liked to do as a kid for fun, did choir, and the attention was nice for maybe, the first solo I ever had, which was like, what, junior high?

I just hate the attention now. And feeling like you have to hit people's standards perfectly.
I dont think I'll ever be able to sing a full song and be fully satisfied. As with most things.

I just keep trying to redo parts, and end up breaking down.
Might as well keep silent.

I've lost alot of my interests too, like drawing and writing and softball.
It feels like I don't deserve to be happy sometimes, and like, why should I even bother, if all my outlets are going to be judged anyways?

I wish I was as headstrong and confident about my 'individuality' as I claimed back in junior high. I really do.

No you silly geese, not my 'stache or my unibrow (;

My hair!

I've been wanting to cut it off for the longest time, well, maybe since I chopped off most of it back in August [that picture with the lightning blue shirt and short curls]. I'm continually straightening and blowdrying (just learned the artistry of it!) the monstrosity to no end, so I think it'd be smart to get a pixie cut or boy cut (up to the ears). Easily more manageable.

I have to wait a while more for it to grow out though. I've been reading up, and since my roots are really damaged, I'll have to stop playing with my hair for some time :[ And maybe lose some weight in my face xD



Any suggestions would be lovely ! (:
Getting my hair dyed is also in question. :D

sometimes when one betrayal screws up an entire future to come;
and you feel so low, you feel nothing at all -

people who geniunely care bring it all back. even if they live in albany, haha.

"so I presume you're a busy woman?" haha, I like him (:

hehe, so today, I finally participated in my school's youth philanthropy worldwide (YPW) campus activities, incluuuuding the henna tattoo art stations! [don't know what that is? google it and educate yourselves, kiddies. learn about your world (; ]

 

Me and my friend both brought in Bill's freiheit '89 tattoo design as a reference, but instead we got our birth years. So, eventually this bad boy will turn darker within the next day or two, and yeah (: haha, I'm sooo excited about the end result, for a freehanded attempt, it's preeetty good. next week, I'm going to get two nautical stars on my right forearm, as well as the phrase "Seele Rhythmus und Herz." (soul, rhythm and heart) in curly scripture if I can, as well as the gay/straight alliance (GSA) tee and a YPW bag/hoodie later :D

 

fun stuff man, and it's going towards a worthy cause, which I admire.

My respect and wishes go out to children living in Brazilian favelas, the children involved in the drug trade, child labor, war violence, and children as old as your cute little nephews and nieces living on those South American streets with no shoes and still smiling in the oblivi-nations we've created today.

a change will come (:

i think i need this haha. i feel better, i'm not as sad as i was during the middle of the week, but as someone who wants to be a psychologist at some point, i'm learning that it's good not to bottle it all up.

so, i dunno where i'm at with this girl. if she still considers me a friend or just someone she knows, or even somebody she hates. it was a small little thing online, and it ended up somewhere different.

me: hey, are you mad at me?
her: uhh did i say i was?
me: well i dunno, but i get these vibes when i know i did something wrong
her: whyy do you keep asking? did i make it evident that i was mad?
me: well no but like sometimes i just wanna know, cause i wanna fix it y'know
her: ok. whatever...

all of a sudden she just deleted me off of everything. i'd call her but im scared she'll hang up on me, or yell at me. i mean id understand if she just doesn't want to be my friend because i betrayed her trust and all, but that wasn't the case here, i think. but i know i've been there when i can, and if i can't, i try, but i get scared of that too. she met me in 7th grade and i really liked her, she was so geniune and i was never scared of her opinions then. and then in 8th grade, we really started to connect and open up to each other. she was there for me when i had all these stupid little problems and i hope i was there for her mutually. then she left for another school at the beginning of highschool and we swore we wouldn't drift. and you know, like the idiot i am, i thought i'd be the anomaly to the constant chain of broken friendships and relationships due to physical distance.

well fuck, i guess i was wrong.

I had these two things eating away at me last year, like it kept my paranoia up at new levels during the year, and when i had no one to turn to, i chose her, thinking she'd be pretty sensitive and geniune and open to my problems.

there goes strike two.

i ruined it. it was a new crack in the foundation, and i set it off. she doesn't see me the same anymore, and i knew she just turned a 180 on me. and we just spent that whole time going back and forth, back and forth until we finally admitted what we were doing with our friendship wasn't right. the problem was that i was scared to tell her anything that i thought from then on. i wasn't honest with her, on account of i didn't want anything i said to make her drift and go away. she said if i ever had a problem, i could come to her, with no fear. cause "that's how buddies go! (: "

then comes that last bit.  

i felt bad; i get those periods when i have too much free time when i think and recollect my relationships with people, and i think that i do some things wrong, because that's the sort of person i am i guess. I was a pretty cocky kid growing up, but once i learned that i'm no better or no worse than anyone else, that first bit was the only part that registered in my head. youre no better than anyone else. I'm such a sensitive person, but i hide it so people won't step on me, or at least i try. i don't do hugs often, and when i do, they're initiated by other people. handshakes get me red as maraschino cherries.







Well, it's been a few months, my birthday came up, and I was fucking happy as hell, saw my boys at jingleball(: everyone was so hella nice, and even people who I felt didn't like me alot, and I got this rad sketch/writing book, pudding cake [sadly, no ACTUAL pudding...]. and then the same girl decided to wish me a happy belated birthday. I kept her amused, talked to her shortly, and now she's doing it almost daily. I'm still keeping her amused, because I still feel like I'm her charity case, and it sucks that we won't really ever talk about what happened to us.

we've learned, or rather, I've realized, that that just never works in my mental circumstances.

yeah, this is a more off the wall post, so you can go and suck my spatula if it bothers you [:

ok, so if any of you remember, this is the cake that was featured on one of the tokio hotel tv episodes, number 9 if i remember (: i think the full name is russicher zupfkuchen? so yeah, I want to make this for my chemistry project [shaddup, it has something to do with chemistry, like cheese fermenting (ew) or some other fucks like that, i think..] xD



does anyone know if there's a difference between using quark cheese and cream cheese in a cheesecake, and I think I even read about cottage cheese? [if you're european, and could help me I'd kiss you, and if you are a girl, I'd apologize immediately right after!]




and uhm, what IS quark cheese? can you buy it here in america??
I'm not an international cooking genius, let alone a cook at all, so...help meeee :D

and hey, I like to be difficult, so I do want to stick through with making this, no matter how hard it is xD
I'd rather make something original rather than brownies/balls/pies that everyone else did.
and it's paying a tribute to our boys(:

this is so like me to do crap at the last minute, but since yesterday ive been stuck voting for our boys(:
id say a good 150 times since then :D


if you've forgotten to vote like a crazy 5 year old on gallons of Monster glued to the computer screen
 or if you'd like to secure a couple votes more for tokio hotel to win best new artist to add to your accumlation
of about 2,000 votes since it was announced what are you waiting for?! do it, oh i dont know.... NOW.

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!
Lets pull of a blowout voting day today, crash the servers if we need to!



give the twins and gusti something freaking balls off the wall amazing for their birthdays(:
so they'd, y'know...consider coming back for being such amazing falafreaking fans!

git-r-doneee, son 8)

Didn't you say to follow
You into cobblestone corridors,
Caves as dark as your raven locks,
As secret as your glances teased
My neck, longingly, as though animal;
Streetlights tall as our hopes for one another
Showering my addiction for the allure
Musk draped upon your bony shoulders;
Yes you did speak, but

Didn't you urge me on
To resort to schoolgirl days
And dance like the Victorian Era in
Terrycloth sillyness and knee-high
Kickers - poised, graceful, everything that
Made you laugh at and love
Me all at once, without question, all
While caressing cheeks and anticipation
Yes you did want, but

Didn't you call me
Over to the bridge above the river
Blue slivers waiting to catch our dreams
Blue as your eyes, although brown
The night's playing pranks and gossiping
Of the lovers we soon could be, and telling
You to hold me warm in those waters while
We fall.

Yes, I did obey but

Weren't you with me when
I wanted secure, wanted truly, dearly
A life with you, a place to hold
A family to uphold, a future?

Oh yes,
I do remember
Now when
You said;

Darling, leave the future to be vague;
For we adorn 1952, we have none to lose.

 

 

 

I just had a dream last night, so yeah(: sorry about the tags, but oh well ;] feedback? i haven't written in a while, and I'm rusty so yeah.

lol pretty hilarious. i was watching tv on the bed, and then i like, felll out..

god i loved it haha. im still laughing.

 

 

 

everyone here's like freaking out. calm down so cali's, we're STILL alive (:

[if anyone here noticed, a small tiny one came right after that one, but yeah]

And sad.


at how you can change your image and kinda feel good about yourself for a good 7 minutes or so.
then you hear people say omgosh you're sooooooo much prettier now!

it makes you feel good again...for 2 seconds until you realize they said "prettier now"...
so it still means you were considered ugly in the past, no matter what you look like now.




Guess I'll never fucking win.
And people don't understand my low self esteem. hilarious.

yeah, so its hard getting used to this jazz. starting uber.com too and i barely comprehend its amazingness. add me yeah? show me the ways of this fascinating contraption you call a buzznet profile(:

 

oh and yeah, my two musical obsessions revolve around coldplay (5 years) and tokio hotel (1 year).

just as a small piece of trivia to get to know me(;

 

lets talk !!